Worst morning in quite some time...

"Chairman Kaga" (mike-mckinnon)
05/01/2014 at 12:18 • Filed to: None

So my 9-month old had a blowout. Shit happens. What makes this blowout unique is that she began kicking and thrashing while I was changing her. It went in my hair, on my glasses, and in my mouth. She looked like Slumdog Millionaire. I threw her into a bubble bath. While drying her I couldn't help but notice she wasn't clean. Because of poo on towel. So back into the bath with her. Bear in mind she's been up since 5:30, which is almost an hour and a half early, so she's sleepy, cranky, and screaming like she's on fire. I also still have poop on my face. Finally clean and dressed, I jump back into the shower, put on clean clothes, and start laundry. Again, all while the baby is still screaming. There is also a hungry 3-year old begging for waffles and chocolate and milk and red oranges and The Little Mermaid at this point. When I pick up the baby, she poops again.

Fine.

On the way out, at almost 9 am, walking past my Alfa in the garage, I stumbled slightly while carrying the baby in her car seat and made a 3" gash in the paint on the passenger side door. I swear to St. Jebus, I almost cried. This is one of those days when I should've dropped the kids off at daycare, then blown off work and gone to see a couple of movies.

DISCUSSION (29)

philipilihp > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:22

Ah, the joys of fatherhood!

For some sympathy story time, it always seemed like my son, when he was really little, would only projectile vomit either directly on me (inside a Costco once) or in my car. I have gotten really good at cleaning baby vomit out of seat cushions and floor mats, and know very well how to take a car seat completely apart.

I feel you man. Take the afternoon off and go see those movies.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:22

as an also young parent.

fuck.

I relate man. ask the wife/gf/mother to watch while you take the now sadly scraped alfa for a ride, i think you've earned it

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:23

When I pick up the baby, she poops again.

Next time, might be a good idea to test-squeeze the little dickens before making plans.

Seriously though, this sounds like one of those "family comedies" that parents watch like 5 years after the fact to laugh instead of crying. You know, the kind that aren't funny? Also I think Franz Kafka might have written the script to your one.

Hooker > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:23

This is one of those days when I should've dropped the kids off at daycare, then blown off work and gone to see a couple of movies.

Couldn't agree more.

quarterlifecrisis > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:23

Damn. I can't relate at all, but that just sounds like a shitty (maybe pun intended...sorry) way to start a day. That's rough.

Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:24

You can get shit on towels, on your face, even in your mouth, but scratch the car and then the real meltdown begins. You sir, are a true Jalop.

505Turbeaux > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:25

I have dealt with the old poop in the mouth a few times. And you cant even do anything about it till you deal with the kid. Man sorry to hear about the am, hope the day gets better

Nibby > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:27

Sounds like a...

(•_•)

( •_•)>-

(_)

shitty morning.

HammerheadFistpunch > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:36

Man I know that story. My 7 month old got a head shaping helmet and starting wearing it full time starting yesterday AND is teething. My 3 year old is being super sweet right now though very demanding so getting no sleep and working late tonight (probably until 10). The good news is my kids don't do blowouts, they are on the 3 times a week schedule (weird I know, but they both are)

Agrajag > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:36

One day you'll look back at this, and cry some more.

Jacques L' Autre > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:39

Just remember that in 60 years or so you'll have the chance to get your revenge on her!

BJ > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:53

I offer you my sympathy, for what it's worth! I have two young kids with a 3rd on the way and sometimes, well, it's just not easy being a parent. You'll get through it. And we're here for you if you want to have a cry over that scratch...

Chairman Kaga > HammerheadFistpunch
05/01/2014 at 12:53

My 3-year old is developing some bad sleep habits. For the past few nights I've gone to bed before 10. I can hear her in her room, sometimes until after midnight, riding horses, shooting bows and arrows, singing Let It Go, putting on princess dresses, fighting monsters, etc. Then when it's time to get up, she's an absolute bear. Some mornings it's a 45 minute process just to get her up, out of bed, and dressed. The teenage years are going to be soooooo much fun.

Otherwise she's the sweetest, funniest kid I've ever met. But good Gawd kid, get some sleep!

Chairman Kaga > Agrajag
05/01/2014 at 12:55

For the record, those two little girls could cover me in poop, burn the car to ash, and laugh about it until they puked (all over me, natch), and I'd still love them more than anything that's ever existed in the universe. Weird how that works.

HammerheadFistpunch > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:56

She went though a tough bout too a little while ago, but she is usually a great little sleeper (8-7) then she comes up to my bed and does all the stuff you are talking about. She still can't decide if she is Elsa or Anna.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 12:56

I've been there, man... Hope the rest of your day is immeasurably better.

thebigbossyboss > HammerheadFistpunch
05/01/2014 at 13:04

Sorry...what? a Head shaping helmet?

Chairman Kaga > philipilihp
05/01/2014 at 13:05

Poop I can handle. Vomit? That's another story. I so much as smell a hint of vomit and I begin retching and gagging uncontrollably. This past SUnday my wife gave the 9-month old a nibble of pancake. It got stuck on her tongue, and she promptly projectile vomited 10 ounces of formula across the table and into my lap. I felt it rising, so I said to her, "This is on you, woman," and sprinted to the shower.

For the record, both girls have puked all over me many times. I usually hold it together long enough to dump them into the tub before I call the dinosaurs myself.

Gamecat235 > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 13:05

Been there. Literally been through all of that with the exception of 1. I just got in the shower with the kid, because poop on arms/face/hands/chest, and 2. didn't scratch other car door, because I slightly dented the edge of the car door on the Sentra that I had when I opened it too wide in the garage and it hit the wall.

That was with my first, who was the easy one.

My second, who just turned three, is currently fighting and unlearning and relearning potty training and sleeping habits. She's a blessing, but she's also 180 degrees different than my first (who gets his driving permit next week, holy fuck).

Hang in there, I know you have this, just keep on keeping on. And uh, make sure that all the poop is gone before you talk to others.

Chairman Kaga > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
05/01/2014 at 13:07

I just don't understand how, other than by cutting, you're supposed to remove a pooped onesie from a baby without encasing the child in a fine veneer of their own feces. Poor design. Needs tearaway emergency release.

Chairman Kaga > HammerheadFistpunch
05/01/2014 at 13:11

My favorite interactions with her right now revolve around me being sleeping Elsa, while she recites Anna's dialogue ("The sky's awake. So I'm awake. So we have to PLAY!") ann while jumping on my chest. The amount of dialogue and blocking she's committed to memory - from Frozen, Star Wars, Brave, Finding Nemo, Dumbo, etc - is shocking. And highly entertaining. She's such a little diva, too. If I mess up dialogue she screams "No! Say it like this..." and proceeds to correct me. Again, the teen years are going to be a hoot.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Chairman Kaga
05/01/2014 at 13:11

It's probably been 17 years since I changed a diaper (much younger sibling). I can still firmly attest based on that that onesies are the devil. Still, if you have to work with one, best to be one that has about a billion snaps, so it clamshells most of the way off the baby. Also in that case, it typically opens "long" enough it can sort of roll onto itself for containment reasons.